How to Take the Perfect Family Portrait

He always commented on them when he noticed them in other people’s house.

Once, I caught him gazing longingly at one.

Yes, for years my husband has had family portrait cravings, an incessant desire for those pictures where the whole family dresses alike and they’re relaxing on a sand dune or whatnot.

This is NOT my family, but they look good. And they match.

So I finally broke down and lined up a portrait session for our family. With a real photographer! I even made sure that I, my husband, and the kids would wear gray on top and jeans on the bottom. We were going to match!

Then, in Experienced Bad Mom fashion, life happened.

My son, Will, who has worn stylish glasses for a year, BROKE his glasses the day before the pictures. Whatev. A little super glue and the glasses were as good as new. For about 5 minutes. Then they broke again. So he is without glasses in all the pictures.

Meanwhile, my daughter, Sydney, got her face painted by clowns the day before the family pictures. Who knew that the clowns were 1) secretly evil and 2) using face paint concocted from super glue, deck stain, and permanent marker?

The deck stain, I mean, face paint on Sydney.

I had a heart attack at 7pm the night before the family portrait, trying to scrub the evil clowns’ handiwork off her face. That stuff would NOT come off! Finally, after using half a bottle of Almay eye makeup remover, the face paint was gone. And thankfully, the red, raw facial skin on my 5-year-old was barely noticeable. Barely.

So now I sit anxiously awaiting my family portraits.

Will I recognize my son without his glasses?

Can they Photoshop the red, raw patches of skin off Sydney’s face?

Will there be 1 picture where the 4 of us are smiling and looking good?

Stay tuned, dear readers, stay tuned!

And heed this advice: duct tape your kids to the couch a full 24-hours before you get your family portrait done.

Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net