The Great Bambino (A Wit and Wisdom Guest Post)

Today I’m excited to welcome a guest post from Heather at When The Kids Are Bored. Get ready to smile!

Hey there! I’m Heather. A southern mama recently transplanted into a union state. I have two little ones that keep me busy and when I’m not changing diapers or helping to slay dragons I am blogging. When The Kids Are Bored was created to help mama’s like me come up with fun and creative activities to keep the kids busy and keep us sane! Enjoy!

I call this story “The Great Bambino”.

The Great Bambino

We have a future baseball player on our hands. Seriously. My little man is obsessed with baseball. Most mornings he wakes me up asking, “Mommy, play baseball outside?!” and for his third birthday he asked for a baseball cake. Most days we are fighting over not wearing that same baseball shirt AGAIN. Like I said, this kid is obsessed.

It all started with a movie. My husband decided we should buy The Sandlot while we were shopping one day. It’s a great movie that we both grew up with but I wasn’t sure about our almost three year old watching it. It has a lot of adult undertones and language in it. But the hubby wanted to watch it with his son and I figured little man wouldn’t be interested anyway. He normally doesn’t watch anything that isn’t a cartoon and has at least one musical number.

Boy was I wrong! He loved it. He thought it was the coolest, funniest thing he’d ever seen. Soon, he was asking to watch it every day and he started applying the movie to real life. He wanted to “run like Benny, mommy!” and every dog he saw was “the big doggy” from the junk yard. And oh my gosh, if you didn’t hit the bat on the ground at least three times before you hit the ball, he had a cow! He even started pretending to throw up like the kids do on the movie when they are on the carnival ride. It was bad.

I was a little worried about his obsession with this movie but he loved it so much and everyone thought it was just the cutest thing in the world so I decided to just go with it. Then it happened. He started quoting the movie. One Saturday morning we were all watching it when it happened. There is a scene in The Sandlot where “Benny,” a ten year old future bigger leaguer, hops over the fence of the junk yard to get a baseball they had lost that was signed by Babe Ruth. On the other side of the fence is a huge St. Bernard that they fearfully refer to as “The Beast.” When Benny grabs the ball and jumps back to their side of the fence the dog jumps over too and proceeds to run after him. Upon seeing the dog, Benny yells, “Oh Shit!” and takes off running through town.

You can guess what happened.

Yep.

My sweet little boy exclaimed, “Oh Shit!” right along with Benny. Then he proceeded to get up and run all over the house from “the big doggy.”  I was mortified. My inner mama was smacking her hand saying, “Bad mama, bad!” My outer mama was trying to decide what to do. My husband was of course laughing.

We decided to let it go. As long as he wasn’t applying these new found words to real life we didn’t want to draw attention to them. Does he still watch The Sandlot? Yep. I can’t take that away from him. Am I a bad mama for doing so, maybe. Oh well!

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Thanks for sharing, Heather!

If you’re interested in guest posting on Experienced Bad Mom, please go here. I look forward to hearing from you!

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November 29, 2012 By 4 CommentsFiled Under: Bad Mom, Bad words, guest post, movies, Wit and Wisdom Tagged With: , ,

Me and the Tooth Fairy Just Don’t Get Along

Last week both my kids, ages 5 and 9, lost a tooth. And last week both kids expressed a “This is it?” attitude when they found $1 from the Tooth Fairy the next morning.

Not enough kids? Grrr!

Which leads me to today’s hilarious “Wit and Wisdom” guest post from Adrienne at The Mommy Mess. Adrienne originally shared this story on The Mommy Mess last year and I’m excited she has agreed to share it with us here today. It could be the mother of all Tooth Fairy stories out there. Enjoy!

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I’m Tooth Fairy Challenged. I don’t know what it is, but every time there’s a tooth fairy opportunity I blow it!

Like the time my oldest lost a tooth, and we forgot to put money under his pillow. He came running in my room the next morning crying because the Tooth Fairy forgot about him. Most moms would have thought quick on their feet, grabbed a buck, and found a way to make it look like he just didn’t feel it under there the first time. Me? I panicked! Then decided to come clean and tell him there was no Tooth Fairy. Child #1: Traumatized.

Or just recently when we were unpacking and my youngest found his little plastic treasure box with his tooth inside. Why the heck do we save old nasty teeth anyway?

He came running around the corner to show me his tooth. I, of course, did not think anything of it, and proudly said, “Oh, yeah! Your first tooth.” My husband then shoots me the evil eye, and I realize it’s weird that I would have his tooth since the Tooth Fairy takes them with her! I managed to recover by saying something like, “That’s weird I wonder why she left it here? She must have dropped it on her way out?” All was fine. Whew! Child #2: Still a believer.

Then my baby lost another tooth on Tuesday.

He finds the crispy $5 bill under his pillow yesterday morning. Please, let’s pause while I join you in cursing my husband for giving him $5 the first time, and now he thinks that’s what the Stupid Tooth Fairy does every time!

So he’s a happy camper.

Enter Mom.

My oldest and I decide we want to order bagels from the local bagel shop down the street. Yum. This sounds like the perfect birthday breakfast since I do not have to make it. I call the order in, so I can run in and grab the bagels quickly. But, they don’t take debit cards. Who doesn’t take cards? I search my wallet. I see two $1 bills. Not gonna do it. I glance over at the that crispy $5 bill, and think “Perfect!” I run this by my youngest, who says…get this! I can use his $5, but only if Dad gives him $8 when he gets home. SAY WHAT?!

For some reason, this still sounds like a good idea. 1. Because I swear I have a hangover from only two glasses of wine on my date with hubs the night before am starving, and I really wanted that bagel sandwich. 2. My oldest would eat one too, and 3. My youngest would be robbing me and making a profit. Everyone would be happy!

So, we buy said bagels with my son’s Tooth Fairy money, and the day moves forward.

At about 2:00PM, my youngest and I are laying on the couch because I am still convinced I am nursing the dumbest hangover ever being lazy before piano lessons. He sits up in a panic and says, “Mom! Where’s my $5 from the Tooth Fairy?!” Really, kid? Didn’t we work out highway robbery this morning?

I proceed to remind him he gave it to me to use at the bagel shop, he proceeds to realize that it was a bad idea, I proceed to realize the same thing.

All of sudden my little business shark doesn’t care about the deal he made me, and is devastated that he lost his Tooth Fairy money. Actually, he’s devastated that I spent his Tooth fairy money. He then tells me he didn’t realize that when he made the deal the money he would get back from daddy isn’t really the same $5 bill that the Tooth Fairy gave him, and it wouldn’t be special, and he shouldn’t have let me use it. “My $5 had a purple 5 on it.”Oh, geesh. Here we go…

Now, if you’re not already thinking that you cannot believe this story because 1. I may or may not be  hungover from two measly glasses of wine. 2. We give our kid $5 for a tooth, or 3. that I’m an idiot for all of the above, then just listen to the rest. I get even more embarrassing.

I sit up, tell my son we’re going to get his $5 back, and grab his shoes! He wipes the tears, and doesn’t even ask me how we will accomplish this goal, which is good because I actually do not know. We throw on our shoes, and head out in a thunderstorm to get that $5 back!

“How will we get the same $5 bill, mom?”

“If you gave it the bagel shop how will it be at the bank?”

“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

Neither do I kid, just sit there and be quiet while I figure out the lie I will tell you at the bank.

So the story goes like this…”Honey, the bagel shop closes early after lunch. They deposit all of the money they make that day in the bank on their way home, and I can assure you they use the same bank we do, so I’m positive your $5 bill will definitely be there.”

We pull up to the bank. Get out to make a walk-in withdrawal because 1. I cannot get $5 bills out of the ATM. It only spits out increments of $10. UGH! and 2. I have to make sure the teller gives me a newer $5 bill. Ya know? The one with the purple 5? That’s the one my son had, and if she gives me something different, he’s definitely not going to buy this ridiculous plan of mine.

“Can I go in with you?” Sure! That will make it really easy for me to talk to the teller about this embarrassing problem we’re having.

The teller is already annoyed by my weirdness.

“Oh no! I seemed to have left my driver’s license at home!” Really?

She allows me to withdraw anyway with some other proofs of ID, and then proceeds to give me the $25 I asked for, but gives me 1 $20 bill and 1 OLD $5 bill. No purple 5. Oh, Lord this is so embarrassing.

“Excuse me, Miss. I’m really sorry to ask you this, but I’m having a tooth fairy 911, and I really need a $5 bill with a purple 5 on it. Ya know? The newer one?” She has no idea what I’m saying…I’m starting to sweat…”I know they exist we just had one this morning. I know this seems strange, but would you mind looking through your till to see if you could exchange this 5 for one like I’m describing?”

“Mom, do they have it? Do they have money?”

Lady please just find the darn purple $5 bill before I go into cardiac arrest!

“Do you mean this kind?”

Oh, God! YES! That’s the one!

“YES! That’s it, thank you!” I duck my head, grab his hand, and wink at him as I run out of the lobby! He’s smiling, it was worth it.

“Mom, you were right! It was here! YEAH!”

Needless to say I will never be stepping foot in that bank again.

And,  my son thinks it’s really cool that the people that own the bagel shop use the same bank we do. What a coincidence!

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Adrienne at The Mommy Mess is a wife, mother and blogger who homeschools her two boys. She writes with grace and humor about her many roles and adventures. You can follow Adrienne on Twitter or Facebook.

Interested in guest posting on ExperiencedBadMom.com? Check out my guest post page. I’d love to hear from you!

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August 7, 2012 By 9 CommentsFiled Under: guest post, lying, money, Wit and Wisdom Tagged With: , ,

Do I Hafta? (A Wit and Wisdom Guest Post)

Today I’m pleased to share with you a guest post from a blogging buddy of mine, Elizabeth, from Transitional Woman. Enjoy her “bad mom” story!

Once you’ve set your course as an Experienced Bad Mom, it only gets worse.

Recently, my youngest son, a high school senior, was invited to interviews for a university’s honors and music programs.  The honors department suggested an overnight stay with a current honors student Friday evening after his interview and various forums and seminars.  On Saturday, he would take his music test, and have his music interviews and auditions.

The author's son, Adam, with his tuba

The online sign up form for the honors interview asked if he would be bringing a guest.

“Does this mean me?” I asked.

“I think so,” he replied.

“I don’t really want to go.  Julia (my daughter) is going to take off work Friday and we plan to go sightseeing.  Do you mind if I don’t go?”

“I don’t care,” he answered, “other than the interview I don’t want to do this other stuff either.”

“Well, if you’re sure you don’t mind.  We’ll wait until your interview is over and then leave, if you’re sure you don’t mind.”

“Sure, fine, I’ll be all right,” he assured me.

“You won’t have anywhere to store your tuba for the music audition on Saturday while you’re doing the honors thing, so we’ll pick you up for breakfast and bring it.”

That Saturday we were having a leisurely breakfast with my sleep deprived son when I noticed the time.  It was 10:50 a.m. and I noted that we were fine because the audition check-in didn’t start until 11:00 a.m.  Or did it?  I fished the schedule out of my purse and saw that check-in began at 10:00 a.m.  The music theory test began at 11:00 a.m.

Sped to the school.  Couldn’t find parking.  “We’ll drop you off as close as possible, run in and get registered, we’ll park, then you can come back for your tuba,” I screamed frantically.

Out he jumped.  We found a close, legal parking space and I started to worry.  “Will he make it in time?  Should we try to find him and bring his tuba and music?” I asked my daughter.

She agreed.  I grabbed the tuba, or rather heaved the tuba out of her little hatchback, she snagged the music folder (we thought it was the right one) and ran.  Sort of, you can’t run with a tuba in a big, black case.

Door one is wrong, door two is wrong, I’m huffing and puffing.  Door three is wrong.  An experienced good daddy, visiting with his son, asks, “What is that, a body bag?”

Door four, yes.  We crashed through, bellowed to the woman standing guard asking if we’re in the right place.  We continue exclaiming loudly about the situation.  We enter a very quiet hall where cool, calm and collected mommies are waiting in line with their docile music students.

I turn and shout, “Adam.  Where’s Adam?  Do you see him?”  I looked to the front.  I looked to the back.  Where was he?  He was four feet away.

We arranged a 4:00 p.m. pick up time.  And instead of waiting like all of the good mommies, we went sightseeing.    He finished early, there was a traffic jam, we were late.

“Did anyone ask you why you were alone?” I inquired on the drive home.

“A few people did, but I just told them my mom and sister went sightseeing.”

Last month Adam chose his school.  As part of the admission process he has to attend a two day freshman orientation.  “There’s a place on the form where it asks if I want to bring a guest,” Adam said.

“Does that mean me?  I thought Dad and I could drop you off and spend a couple of days sightseeing…….”

 

Elizabeth has been a writer, editor, homeschooler, homemaker and a few other things too.   She blogs at www.transitional-woman.blogspot.com. People with a great sense of humor are some of her favorite people in the world.  She loves all things chocolate, enjoys knitting but is very slow, and her favorite song is Shout by the Isley Brothers. Her husband has put up with her with great love, patience and grace for 26 years.  She has been richly blessed with four children who, she claims, are definitely smarter and nicer than their mother.

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June 15, 2012 By 3 CommentsFiled Under: Bad Mom, guest post, Wit and Wisdom Tagged With:

The Porcelain Doll ~ A Wit and Wisdom Guest Post

Dear Readers,

I am pleased to present the first “Wit and Wisdom” guest post on Experienced Bad Mom. Today’s guest post comes from my lovely Blogging Buddy, Lynden, who shares her own parenting story below. Enjoy!

Katy

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.     
                Psalm 37:4

Once upon a time…there was a young man and woman … (So begins the favorite bedtime story of ‘said Porcelain Doll’…)  The young woman knew she wanted a large family and she prayed and prayed that God would provide…  Ten and a half long, pain-filled years later, He answered her desperate prayers of, “Lord, we’ll take ANY child!” with His unmistakable (yet unknown-at-the-time) sense of humor…  ”Have I got ONE for YOU!”

The new parents had decided that rather than hiding all of the special antique items openly used and displayed in their home, they would merely teach their children to ‘not touch’ and appreciate antiques.  At about 6 months of age, the Porcelain Doll God had given them was pulling herself up to stand by the Victorian marble-top coffee table adorned with a delicately fragile heirloom candy dish set on crocheted doilies.

The Mother smiled, shook her head and said, calmly but firmly, “No, no, Dear – You mustn’t touch Mama’s Pretties…”  Whereupon, the lovely Porcelain Doll with the Golden Eyes held the mother’s gaze without blinking – reached her hand out – touched the treasured dish – and said with those Golden Eyes, calmly but firmly,  “I will!”

In that instant, the Mother knew that the road ahead would be rocky…and it has been…  But God knew that where He had placed the Porcelain-Doll-with-the-will-of-steel was the Best Place for both of them.  A few years later, when Dr. James Dobson wrote, The Strong-willed Child, the Mother read it immediately and voraciously, in hopes of finding solutions to the problems they faced with the Porcelain Doll.   There was nothing in it that they hadn’t dealt with or tried.

The Rocky Road has led them all places they’d never have expected – and much of it painful -  Unlike the fairy tale that began, they haven’t ‘all lived happily ever after’…  God’s answer to that young mother’s prayers and the deep, abiding, unending love that He gave her to share (even when many others said, “Give up on her!”) has allowed them to come through it all and ‘out on the other side.’  Our Heavenly ‘Father did know best…’

P.S.  No antiques – or children – were harmed in the making of this life story.

P.P.S.  The beautiful Porcelain Doll is now 32 and has 2 Dolls of her own – JUST LIKE HER!  *Smile!*

Lynden Blossom blogs at aneleganttouch-lynden.blogspot.com. She is a mature, educated, creative woman – a Mother of two grown children – a Gramama of two precious grandchildren – a proud Blue Star Mother of a Marine Captain – a daughter of the King of Kings – a woman looking for her place in the world in the winter of her life…sharing what she does and who she is – with You – adding An Elegant Touch to all that she does.

 

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February 17, 2012 By 6 CommentsFiled Under: guest post, Wit and Wisdom