Forget Christmas, I Want A Hallmark Movie Winter

It’s that time of year again. Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas.

Wait.

Isn’t it ALWAYS that time of year on the Hallmark channel? I mean, aren’t they always showing Christmas movies and counting down to Christmas starting in, oh, January?

No matter. I actually enjoy the sugary sweetness of their holiday movies. 

But they fill me with rage, too.

Yup. Rage.

Is it the same old plot line about a big city girl who goes home to save the family farm and reunite with her high school sweetheart?

Is it the same 10 actors playing the characters? Or the over-the-top decorating of an outdoor scene filmed in the summer with lots of fake snow?

Nope.

It’s the Hallmark movies’ portrayal of winter. 

As a 22-year resident of the midwest, I want their winter. I WANT A HALLMARK MOVIE WINTER!

Here’s why.

First, no one is bundled up. There is snow on the ground, whether at the family farm or the inn being gobbled up by the big city company, but everyone is hatless, gloveless and rocking an average (aka thin) coat against the elements.

Second, their coats are always open or unzipped, showing cute clothes underneath. I want to show cute clothes, but nooooooo, I’m usually zipped up in my parka tighter than my skinny jeans.

Third, no one’s nose is running due to the cold. In Michigan, my nose is a drippy, red sieve from November to March.

And their lips in those Hallmark movies? Glossy, plump and gorgeous. Meanwhile, my wintertime lips are as dry and cracked as the Salt Flats of Utah.

Let’s talk about the adorable boots in Hallmark movies, too. No one wears clunky snow boots with deep tread and layers of insulation. No, in a Hallmark movie, Madison the Millennial dons cute boots with heels that never get salt stains. 

Nor does she ever slip and fall on her cute butt walking in her cute boot with heels.

Their cars are clean, too, sans salt stains. And, the characters drive through storms in their clean farm trucks with rear wheel drive or random sedans without AWD that could never grip the snow or survive potholes during a real midwest winter. 

So this season you may be binging on Hallmark movies and wishing you had a very merry Christmas, but I’ll be here in Michigan wishing I could have a Hallmark movie winter and go hatless, wear a super cute coat and booties, experience unchapped lips, and tool around in a sweet farm truck.