Did you know I lived in Canada for 3 years?
Do you even know where Canada is?
There’s a reason I ask. Back in the 90s, I moved from Vancouver to North Carolina. One of my new American coworkers asked me, “Where exactly IS Canada?”
She was serious.
Thus, in the spirit of improving America’s foreign policy – which is clearly a hot topic nowadays – I thought I should pose some hard-hitting questions to a Canadian who can save us Americans from our ignorance.
That Canadian is Kelly McKenzie, the blogger behind the hilarious Just Typikel blog (aka kellylmckenzie.com).
Kelly and I sat down recently (no, we didn’t) to discuss NAFTA, Canadian-American relations, poutine, Tim Hortons and Justin Bieber in hopes that our dialogue would increase the peace and prosperity between our two great nations.
Katy the American: Where exactly IS Canada?
Kelly the Canadian: I can well understand how this would be tricky as your country is the center of the universe, right? Ok let me help. Go outside and stand by the nearest tree. Hopefully it has moss growing on it. If so, that is north. We are north of you so stare once again at the moss and if your eyes are really good you might be lucky to see Canada. Sorry. Only Ms. Palin will see Russia.
Sorry to throw a spanner (British for wrench) in the works but Canada is also in Florida come winter.
Katy: Do you live in an igloo?
Kelly: I used to but this dang climate change has caused major flooding. I’m now forced to live in a “proper” home with wood frame construction. The only folks who live in igloos now are found on Hollywood North movie sets.
Katy: Do you have a pet polar bear?
Kelly: Excellent question. Sadly I do not. They’ve all been relocated to Tuktoyaktuk (an Inuvialuit hamlet, not a car company) for the entertainment of the tourists. Others have been seconded for use in Coke commercials.
Katy: Who is your president?
Kelly: We’re not sure. Our Prime Minister (Canadian for President) usually only makes headlines at election time. He is due to call another election very soon and once he does I’ll get back to you ASAP.
Katy: Were you born with ice hockey skates on?
Kelly: Sadly no. I was born on the west coast of Canada so my feet were encased in rain boots. While some of us have do have webbed feet, I do not.
Katy: If you’re watching the Olympics, and the Canadian athlete is eliminated, will you root for the American?
Kelly: Oooh now that’s tricky. Hmmmm. It would depend on the sport. If it was a perhaps-not-so-popular-with-
Katy: I’m sorry, eh, but why do Canadians say “Eh” and “I’m sorry” so much?
Kelly: I’m sorry. Do we do that? If so, perhaps it’s because we are a shy lot, eh? We don’t like to toot our own horn and when we believe we have, well, we feel the need to apologise. Sorry. That must drive you crazy ‘eh?
Katy: Which is the better beer: LaBatt or Budweiser?
Kelly: I’m sorry but neither. Both are old school. Craft beers are the way to go now,’eh.
Katy: Do you know Justin Bieber, Jim Carrey or Pamela Anderson?
Kelly: I was going to ask you the same thing. You can have Biebs. Mr. Carrey has renounced his Canadian citizenship and is now an American. Pamela? Well she’s from my province (Canadian for state) and she’s larger than life, isn’t she? Unfortunately I don’t know her. Sorry. She spends all her time with you.
And that concludes our hard-hitting exposé of Canada. Thanks for journeying down this tongue-in-cheek path with me and Kelly, who you can follow on Facebook and Twitter. Did you learn any surprising truths about Canada today? Do you know any Canadians or ever been to Canada? Maybe YOU are Canadian? Please share! Kelly and I are drinking our Tim Hortons, noshing on Timbits, and breathlessly waiting to hear from you.