Me and the Tooth Fairy Just Don’t Get Along

Last week both my kids, ages 5 and 9, lost a tooth. And last week both kids expressed a “This is it?” attitude when they found $1 from the Tooth Fairy the next morning.

Not enough kids? Grrr!

Which leads me to today’s hilarious “Wit and Wisdom” guest post from Adrienne at The Mommy Mess. Adrienne originally shared this story on The Mommy Mess last year and I’m excited she has agreed to share it with us here today. It could be the mother of all Tooth Fairy stories out there. Enjoy!

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I’m Tooth Fairy Challenged. I don’t know what it is, but every time there’s a tooth fairy opportunity I blow it!

Like the time my oldest lost a tooth, and we forgot to put money under his pillow. He came running in my room the next morning crying because the Tooth Fairy forgot about him. Most moms would have thought quick on their feet, grabbed a buck, and found a way to make it look like he just didn’t feel it under there the first time. Me? I panicked! Then decided to come clean and tell him there was no Tooth Fairy. Child #1: Traumatized.

Or just recently when we were unpacking and my youngest found his little plastic treasure box with his tooth inside. Why the heck do we save old nasty teeth anyway?

He came running around the corner to show me his tooth. I, of course, did not think anything of it, and proudly said, “Oh, yeah! Your first tooth.” My husband then shoots me the evil eye, and I realize it’s weird that I would have his tooth since the Tooth Fairy takes them with her! I managed to recover by saying something like, “That’s weird I wonder why she left it here? She must have dropped it on her way out?” All was fine. Whew! Child #2: Still a believer.

Then my baby lost another tooth on Tuesday.

He finds the crispy $5 bill under his pillow yesterday morning. Please, let’s pause while I join you in cursing my husband for giving him $5 the first time, and now he thinks that’s what the Stupid Tooth Fairy does every time!

So he’s a happy camper.

Enter Mom.

My oldest and I decide we want to order bagels from the local bagel shop down the street. Yum. This sounds like the perfect birthday breakfast since I do not have to make it. I call the order in, so I can run in and grab the bagels quickly. But, they don’t take debit cards. Who doesn’t take cards? I search my wallet. I see two $1 bills. Not gonna do it. I glance over at the that crispy $5 bill, and think “Perfect!” I run this by my youngest, who says…get this! I can use his $5, but only if Dad gives him $8 when he gets home. SAY WHAT?!

For some reason, this still sounds like a good idea. 1. Because I swear I have a hangover from only two glasses of wine on my date with hubs the night before am starving, and I really wanted that bagel sandwich. 2. My oldest would eat one too, and 3. My youngest would be robbing me and making a profit. Everyone would be happy!

So, we buy said bagels with my son’s Tooth Fairy money, and the day moves forward.

At about 2:00PM, my youngest and I are laying on the couch because I am still convinced I am nursing the dumbest hangover ever being lazy before piano lessons. He sits up in a panic and says, “Mom! Where’s my $5 from the Tooth Fairy?!” Really, kid? Didn’t we work out highway robbery this morning?

I proceed to remind him he gave it to me to use at the bagel shop, he proceeds to realize that it was a bad idea, I proceed to realize the same thing.

All of sudden my little business shark doesn’t care about the deal he made me, and is devastated that he lost his Tooth Fairy money. Actually, he’s devastated that I spent his Tooth fairy money. He then tells me he didn’t realize that when he made the deal the money he would get back from daddy isn’t really the same $5 bill that the Tooth Fairy gave him, and it wouldn’t be special, and he shouldn’t have let me use it. “My $5 had a purple 5 on it.”Oh, geesh. Here we go…

Now, if you’re not already thinking that you cannot believe this story because 1. I may or may not be  hungover from two measly glasses of wine. 2. We give our kid $5 for a tooth, or 3. that I’m an idiot for all of the above, then just listen to the rest. I get even more embarrassing.

I sit up, tell my son we’re going to get his $5 back, and grab his shoes! He wipes the tears, and doesn’t even ask me how we will accomplish this goal, which is good because I actually do not know. We throw on our shoes, and head out in a thunderstorm to get that $5 back!

“How will we get the same $5 bill, mom?”

“If you gave it the bagel shop how will it be at the bank?”

“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

Neither do I kid, just sit there and be quiet while I figure out the lie I will tell you at the bank.

So the story goes like this…”Honey, the bagel shop closes early after lunch. They deposit all of the money they make that day in the bank on their way home, and I can assure you they use the same bank we do, so I’m positive your $5 bill will definitely be there.”

We pull up to the bank. Get out to make a walk-in withdrawal because 1. I cannot get $5 bills out of the ATM. It only spits out increments of $10. UGH! and 2. I have to make sure the teller gives me a newer $5 bill. Ya know? The one with the purple 5? That’s the one my son had, and if she gives me something different, he’s definitely not going to buy this ridiculous plan of mine.

“Can I go in with you?” Sure! That will make it really easy for me to talk to the teller about this embarrassing problem we’re having.

The teller is already annoyed by my weirdness.

“Oh no! I seemed to have left my driver’s license at home!” Really?

She allows me to withdraw anyway with some other proofs of ID, and then proceeds to give me the $25 I asked for, but gives me 1 $20 bill and 1 OLD $5 bill. No purple 5. Oh, Lord this is so embarrassing.

“Excuse me, Miss. I’m really sorry to ask you this, but I’m having a tooth fairy 911, and I really need a $5 bill with a purple 5 on it. Ya know? The newer one?” She has no idea what I’m saying…I’m starting to sweat…”I know they exist we just had one this morning. I know this seems strange, but would you mind looking through your till to see if you could exchange this 5 for one like I’m describing?”

“Mom, do they have it? Do they have money?”

Lady please just find the darn purple $5 bill before I go into cardiac arrest!

“Do you mean this kind?”

Oh, God! YES! That’s the one!

“YES! That’s it, thank you!” I duck my head, grab his hand, and wink at him as I run out of the lobby! He’s smiling, it was worth it.

“Mom, you were right! It was here! YEAH!”

Needless to say I will never be stepping foot in that bank again.

And,  my son thinks it’s really cool that the people that own the bagel shop use the same bank we do. What a coincidence!

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Adrienne at The Mommy Mess is a wife, mother and blogger who homeschools her two boys. She writes with grace and humor about her many roles and adventures. You can follow Adrienne on Twitter or Facebook.

Interested in guest posting on ExperiencedBadMom.com? Check out my guest post page. I’d love to hear from you!