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| Will at 11 months. The reason why I breastfed?! |
I’ve been meaning to share the following essay for a while. It’s old–I wrote it a year or two after Will was born. Plus, it’s serious, which is not my usual jovial style.
But, it touches on something that I think all moms confront–why we breastfeed our babies.For me, living near a University town like I do, there was pretty much never a choice NOT to breastfeed. Because around here, if you do NOT breastfeed, then you are a bad mom. Which is what made breastfeeding even harder for me.
Here is my story:
I thought I was prepared for breastfeeding. I had taken a two-hour breastfeeding class, and I had seen that episode of Oprah about how hard breastfeeding could be. My sister and friend had shared their stories of cracked nipples. I had a good breastfeeding reference book. Nonetheless, breastfeeding turned out to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I got cracked nipples pretty much right away. My lactation consultant guessed it had something to do with my large nipples (they come in sizes?) and my son’s itty-bitty mouth. The breastfeeding book said it was probably bad positioning. However, the lactation consultant, my pediatrician, and about 30 women at a La Leche meeting could vouch for me that my positioning was fine.
My nipples were so cracked that my doctor advised walking around topless between feedings to let them air dry and heal. There was little time for that with a baby who fed up to 14 times a day, for 45 minutes a feeding. Plus, topless strolling wasn’t exactly high on my list of things to do as a new mom.
At the two-week checkup, my son hadn’t gained back his birth weight. I was ready to give up. My pediatrician encouraged me to continue and said my breastfeeding problems were fixable. She gave me some nipple cream and devised a plan: my son would breastfeed 10 minutes on a side and then he would suck supplemental formula from a thin tube taped to my thumb on one end and attached to a syringe on the other. This would teach him how to become an efficient sucker, fatten him up, and maintain his preference for the breast.
I felt like we were in breastfeeding boot camp. At three weeks I got mastitis, which knocked me out for day. Rest and antibiotics cured it, but the antibiotics led to thrush in my nipples. My son and I went on yeast infection medicine. We continued breastfeeding through it all. I was determined, and maybe a little crazy.
So I’d battled mastitis, and now I had thrush, my nipples were still cracked, and my baby was barely gaining weight. My breastfeeding experience was less than idyllic or natural. Why didn’t I stop? Was it really worth it? I guess I chose to believe my pediatrician, who encouraged me to continue and reassured me that my problems were fixable. My husband was supportive, too. It also helped that I had six months of maternity leave, so there was no pressure to fix this immediately. In fact, it took another month before the cracks in my nipples healed, my son was steadily gaining weight, and he stopped needing the supplement.
I ended up breastfeeding him until the week of his first birthday, including six months of pumping at work (another story!). I am still amazed we made it. I don’t blame mothers who don’t breastfeed. I certainly understand how hard it can be. I admit I am jealous, though, of mothers who never had any breastfeeding problems. My breastfeeding experience, at least that fragile beginning, was filled with pain and stress. In the end, I guess like many things concerning motherhood, I realize I had to choose my course, stumble through the dark times, and have faith that it would all work out. And it did.
Amen, sister 🙂
I rate the first month of breastfeeding my first born harder than labour!! All worth it in the end though – so much easier in the long term. Good on you for sticking with it – not a bad mom after all.