The following press release was based on the true story of shopping at the mall with my teenage daughter, 14. Enjoy!
Jennifer Smith, 50, was reported missing from Midtown Mall on Friday afternoon at approximately 3:43 pm. Smith was last seen shopping inside Forever 21 with her teenage daughter, 14.
“This was her dream, to come to Forever 21 and buy stuff to make me happy,” Smith’s teenage daughter told the outlet.
Forever 21 is a retail store aimed at teens and twenty-somethings. It is known for its trendy and miniscule clothing pieces. Last year the clothing chain generated beaucoup bucks from selling tiny things.
“We were browsing the crop top section and I heard my mom mumble something about muffin tops,” her daughter said. “I went to look at the micro minis and that’s the last I remember seeing her.”
Smith, a former Fulbright Scholar to Mozambique and a 1993 graduate of Yale University, stands nearly six feet tall and reportedly wears a size 12. Thus, her disappearance within the store is not only alarming but surprising.
A review of the store’s security camera footage by Jethro Blart, a two month veteran of the mall security force, confirmed Smith’s presence in the store. “The footage shows Ms. Smith towering over the clothing racks while shaking her head,” he announced.
Blart, who recently watched a YouTube video on lip reading, claims Smith says, “Who could fit into these?” while holding up a pair of short shorts to her left thigh. According to Blart, the short shorts and Smith’s left thigh were of similar diameter. “In case that helps find her because she’s that big,” he stated.
An examination of store records indicates that Smith used her credit card to purchase $86 worth of items, all in size small. A sales associate remembers assisting the teenage daughter during check out, but has no recollection of Smith.
“I remember the girl because she was wearing this totes adorbs lanyard,” said Ava L., Sales Associate in Training.
“There might have been someone who requested a printed receipt that day,” Ava L. continued. She said this was memorable since most patrons skip the paper receipt and get it sent directly to their phones instead. “For reals.”
The sales associate suggested that mall security guards check Eddie Bauer and Pottery Barn. “Or there are these stores called Talbot’s or Chico’s. That’s where my grandma shops.”
When Smith’s husband was reached for comment, he was unaware that his wife was missing. “I didn’t even know [my wife and daughter] left the house,” he said. “I was watching the game.”
“I just want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers,” stated Smith’s teenage daughter, straining to keep her emotions in check while juggling two Forever 21 shopping bags stuffed with microscopic tops and bottoms. “I know my mom will be found alive and well soon.”
Anyone with information about Ms. Smith is urged to contact the mall’s security guards.
Update: Ms. Smith was found safe inside Forever 21 at 3:49 pm. She was reviewing a paper receipt near the cash register while wearing reading glasses, which had rendered her unremarkable. Forever 21 appreciates the assistance of the mall security force in this matter and will consider instituting Midlife Consumer Awareness training for its employees.
This post was originally published on Sammiches and Psych Meds. Thanks for reading!
Bwahaha! Forever 21….. Yikes. That place gives me a headache.
Gives me a headache too although no one there would notice. 🙂